I have moments of lucidity...

Ah! but let me make one thing clear, I have moments of lucidity, and I speak very clearly. And now I will speak with clarity...Friends! There are moments in my life that are really momentary...And it's not because one says it, but we must see it! What do we see? that's what we must see...because, what a coincidence, friends, that supposing that in the case—let's not say what it could be—but we must think about it and understand the psychology of life to make an analogy of the synthesis of humanity. Right? Well, that's the point! (Cantinflas)

Calling God...

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call"

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God

The American thanked the priest and went along his way

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God

"O.K., thank you," said the American

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call"

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now, son - it's a local call"

When God created Canada

On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: “Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.“

God continued, “I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.“

“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?“

“Not really,” replied God, “just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them.“

De gallegos

- Manolo, ¿queréis ser Testigo de Jehova?
- ¡Coño! ¡Pero es que ni siquiera he visto el arcidente!

- Durante un apagón en Galicia, quedaron dos mil gallegos atorados en los elevadores de los edificios durante dos horas.
- Y siete mil más, atorados en las escaleras eléctricas.

- ¿Cómo sacan los gallegos los dólares del país?
- Los envían por fax y después se deshacen de la "evidencia".

- Oye, Venancio... ¿Te gusta el Plácido Domigo?
- Pues claro hombre... ¡antes que el reputísimo lunes!

- ¿Cuál es el día del gallego?
- El día menos pensado.

- ¿Por qué un gallego se abanica con un serrucho?
- Porque le dijeron que el aire de la sierra es más sano.

- Un helicóptero se ha estrellado en un cementerio de Galicia.
- La policía informa que se han encontrado varios miles de cuerpos...

- Un gallego lee en un periodico: "Alud Mata 100 Personas".
- Entonces comenta: ¡Coño! ¡Pues que árabe tan malo!.

- Oye Manolo, ¡que te vendo un auto!
- Coño, y ¿para qué quiero un auto vendado?

- A un gallego lo detiene la policía y le dice:
- Deme su nombre y apellido.
- ¿Esta usted loco? ¿Y yo después cómo me llamo?!

- Oye, ¿sabes cómo se llaman los habitantes de San Francisco?
- Hombre, ¡pues todos no!

- Dos gallegos fueron a ver una pelicula al AUTOCINEMA.
- Disgustados por lo mala que fue la película, rajaron furiosamente los asientos.

- ¿Cuál es el animal que vuela más alto?
- Un gallego montado en Iberia.

- Suena el teléfono en la casa de Manolo:
- Oye, ¡Manolo! Te llamo por la cortadora de cesped.
- Caramba, ¡Pepe! ¡¡¡¡¡Que bien se escucha!!!!!

- Oye Manolo, te invito a una fiesta de 15 años.
- Bueno, pero yo tengo que hacer y ... a los tres meses me vuelvo.

- ¿Qué es una sobredosis de ignorancia?
- Cien o más gallegos.

- Ayer fallecieron cuatro gallegos: dos en un asesinato y dos en la reconstrucción de los hechos.

- Un gallego entra a un baño público y el encargado le pregunta:
- ¿Necesita papel?
- ¡No hombre! ¡Si yo cago de memoria!

- Un gallego le enseña a un amigo un reloj que le enviaron del extranjero:
- ¡Mira que reló me ha mandao el primo, joder! Da la hora, los minutos, los segundos, la fecha, es alarma, cronómetro ¡y tiene luces!
- Pero hombre, ¡cuántas cosas! -- le dice el amigo, asombrado.
- Y eso, que el primo me ha dicho que me puedo bañar con él, pero... aun no le he encontrado el botón para que salga el agua.

If Going to the Doctor Were Like Going to the Mechanic

Me: Alright doc, how's she looking?

Doctor: Your grandmother is good as new. We just had to do a little more work than we'd originally planned on.

Me: Whoa, hold on. How much extra work?

Doctor: Well, we suspect she may have had a kidney stone, so we just went ahead and got rid of one em'. Then we did the same thing with the appendix and put in a pace-maker for good measure.

Me: What!? She came in here with a little cough! Couldn't you have just given her some antibiotics?

Doctor: We had to do some extra work, it couldn't be avoided.

Me: How much more is this going to cost me?

Doctor: About $100,000.

Me: $100k!? There's no way my insurance will cover this!

Doctor: That's the way it is. The pacemaker had to be shipped in from Detroit.

Me: I can't spend this much on her. She probably won't even last me another five years!

Doctor: I'm sorry.

Me: Honestly, at this point I might as well just cut my losses and sell her for parts.

Doctor: Is she a donor?

Me: Yeah.

Doctor: We could always use the extra organs.

Me: It's just hard. She's been in the family such a long time.

Doctor: Well, it's $100,000 for the parts and labor.

Me: That's outrageous. Just keep her.

Grandma: Brian, I'm scared.

Me: Go with the doctor, Grandma.

The 401-Keg Plan

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

START NOW!

Windshield Bug!

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his infidelity, when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's penis off and tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis splattered into their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then disappeared over the roof.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said.................

'Had a big dick, didn't it?'