Fred had been divorced twice after his wives cheated on him, so he decided the only way to get a faithful wife is to marry someone who knew nothing of sex. He moved to the mountains and found himself a simple, innocent girl, and married her.
On their wedding night, he told her about his "magic wand", and how no one else in the entire world had one. Sure enough, she was enraptured with the "magic" feelings it brought her, and she and Fred were very happy.
But Fred needed to make a living, and he finally had to go out of town on a business trip. But his innocent wife knew only he had a "magic wand", so he left feeling safe.
Yet when he got home, he could tell there was something different about his wife, and she was ready to confront him.
"You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand," she said.
"Yes..." he started to answer.
"But I found out that Jerry has a magic wand too!" she said, clearly upset.
"Well yeah," he stammered. "Jerry is my best friend, and I had two magic wands, so I thought I should give him one of them."
With that, she burst in to tears.
"What's wrong," Fred asked, perplexed.
"Well why," she said through her sobs, "did you have to give him the good one?!"
domingo, 19 de abril de 2009
Indian Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told,"First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!
The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!
How to identify cities in INDIA
Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right.
You are in Kolkata
Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.
That's Mumbai
Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace.The first two get together & beat him up.
That's Delhi
Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai-stall
That's Ahmedabad.
Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in the program.
That's Bangalore
Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in.
That's Chennai.
Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting.
You are definitely in PUNJAB.
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right.
You are in Kolkata
Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.
That's Mumbai
Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace.The first two get together & beat him up.
That's Delhi
Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai-stall
That's Ahmedabad.
Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in the program.
That's Bangalore
Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in.
That's Chennai.
Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting.
You are definitely in PUNJAB.
Mallu interview
A "Mallu" female (from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY. When the manager saw the Mallu's colorful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "Not This Woman."
Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu. So he told her, "If You could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK."
The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said:
"I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone,I say YELLOW..... BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number.. ... Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, yokeeyy? Thank you."
Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu. So he told her, "If You could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK."
The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said:
"I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone,I say YELLOW..... BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number.. ... Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, yokeeyy? Thank you."
New Car
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
"We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "This one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?"
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on. "So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
"We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "This one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?"
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on. "So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
How to catch a Lion
Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.
Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.
Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !
Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!
Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.
Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run. Lion tired and surrenders.
George bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!
Newton 's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.
Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.
Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.
Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !
Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!
Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.
Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run. Lion tired and surrenders.
George bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!
Newton 's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.
Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
BE SILENT!
Santa Singh gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. He has never been on an airplane anywhere and gets excited and tense. As soon as he boards the plane, a Boeing 747, he started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat and shouting, 'BOEING!BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.
The pilot in the cockpit hears the noise and annoyed by what's goings on, he comes out and shouts, 'BE SILENT!'
There's pin-drop silence every where and everybody looks Santa. He stares at the pilot in silence for a few seconds and then starts shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!OE...'
The pilot in the cockpit hears the noise and annoyed by what's goings on, he comes out and shouts, 'BE SILENT!'
There's pin-drop silence every where and everybody looks Santa. He stares at the pilot in silence for a few seconds and then starts shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!OE...'
10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished
Take off my skirt
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However: One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. At two-thirty, finally, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him
over to her.
- "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she asked.
- "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
- "Now take off my socks." He did.
- "Now take off my skirt." He did.
- "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
- "Now," she said, "take off my panties." With great trepidation, he slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However: One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. At two-thirty, finally, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him
over to her.
- "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she asked.
- "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
- "Now take off my socks." He did.
- "Now take off my skirt." He did.
- "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
- "Now," she said, "take off my panties." With great trepidation, he slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
Desi executes the Y2K Project
Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We'll await your direction.
Very Sincerely
Desi
Y2K Project Leader
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We'll await your direction.
Very Sincerely
Desi
Y2K Project Leader
Two fallen angels
Two blonde prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top oftheir car which said:
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign downand drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when henoticed the same two blonde ladies driving around with a large sign ontheir car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when henoticed the new sign which now read:
- Two Prostitutes -- $50.00
- Jesus Saves
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign downand drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when henoticed the same two blonde ladies driving around with a large sign ontheir car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when henoticed the new sign which now read:
- Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00
Bill Gates looking for european chairman
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kunju, a mallu guy.
Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not now JAVA program to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Kunju says to himself, "I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try"
Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. Again, 2000 people leave the room. Kunju says to himself "I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?" So he stays.
Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Kunju says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?" So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Kunju says to himself, "I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?" So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language."
Calmly, Kunju turns to the other candidate and says "Ninakku Sukham alle" (Aren't u Sukham... in malayalam)
The other candidate answers "Nee Poda Pulle" (Just go away...in malayalam again)
5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kunju, a mallu guy.
Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not now JAVA program to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Kunju says to himself, "I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try"
Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. Again, 2000 people leave the room. Kunju says to himself "I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?" So he stays.
Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Kunju says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?" So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Kunju says to himself, "I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?" So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language."
Calmly, Kunju turns to the other candidate and says "Ninakku Sukham alle" (Aren't u Sukham... in malayalam)
The other candidate answers "Nee Poda Pulle" (Just go away...in malayalam again)
jueves, 16 de abril de 2009
Esos Deditos
Mientras hacía la maleta para un viaje de trabajo, mi hijo de tres años estaba jugando en mi cama y se lo estaba pasando bomba. En cierto momento me dijo:
- Papi, mira esto - y puso dos de sus deditos frente a mis ojos.
Aunque tenía prisa no podía dejar pasar la ocasión de jugar con mi hijo, así que cogí su mano y metí los dos deditos de su mano en mi boca.
- ¡¡¡ ME VOY A COMER ESTOS DEDITOS !!! GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR - le dije simulando comérmelos, antes de salir del cuarto de nuevo.
Cuando regresé, mi hijo estaba quieto en la cama mirando sus deditos desde varios ángulos y con una expresión de absoluta desolación en su cara, por lo que le pregunté:
- ¿Qué pasa mi amor?
Y él me contestó:
- ¿¿¿ Dónde está mi MOCOooo ???
- Papi, mira esto - y puso dos de sus deditos frente a mis ojos.
Aunque tenía prisa no podía dejar pasar la ocasión de jugar con mi hijo, así que cogí su mano y metí los dos deditos de su mano en mi boca.
- ¡¡¡ ME VOY A COMER ESTOS DEDITOS !!! GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR - le dije simulando comérmelos, antes de salir del cuarto de nuevo.
Cuando regresé, mi hijo estaba quieto en la cama mirando sus deditos desde varios ángulos y con una expresión de absoluta desolación en su cara, por lo que le pregunté:
- ¿Qué pasa mi amor?
Y él me contestó:
- ¿¿¿ Dónde está mi MOCOooo ???
sábado, 11 de abril de 2009
You know you're from British Columbia when....
You know you're from BC when...
- You know the provincial flower: the dogwood
- You can taste the difference between Tim Hortons, Second Cup, and Seattle's Best.
- Lower Mainland only: The last time there was snow, you were so confused you tried to snort it.
- You can't tell, is marijuana still illegal?
- You hate the Calgary Flames with a passion.
- You point out vancouver landmarks in nearly every movie and TV show
- You don't understand why Manitoba and Saskatchewan are considered western Canada
- While driving on your morning commute, you switch between heat and air conditioning multiple times
- You consider 2 degrees freezing cold
- You know that there is actually a town called Dawson Creek
- You know how to distinguish between the different types of asian food
- You know how to pronounce Squamish, Osoyoos, Ucluelet, Esquimalt, Sooke & Nanaimo.
- You actually care about the CFL.
- You still believe the Canucks have a shot at winning the stanley cup.
- You can point out at least two ski resorts, even if the city is coated in fog.
- A nice day means when you can see the mountains
- You go bankrupt from paying your rent
- You have come to accept that there are only two seasons: cold and rainy, and warm and dry
- You don't understand what's so great about Toronto
You never go camping without waterproof matches and a 100% water proof raincoat You know more people with boats than air conditioners You have trouble figuring out why french is an official language or why we have to learn it in school You swear that you're in China or Japan You don't find it wierd that every time you go downtown, some crazy guy is talking to himself Your premier was convicted of drunk driving You know what venti and a macchiato are You ski and play golf in the same day You are aware that Surrey, New West, Burnaby, Delta, Port Moody, North Van, West Van, White Rock, Abbostford, Langley and Richmond are NOT part of the City of Vancouver You're confused when people from anywhere else say that the hill you just walked up is a mountain You think that Atlantic Salmon doesn't even deserve to be called salmon when compared to Pacific Salmon You've had a California roll for lunch You take the bus and are shocked to hear two people carrying on a conversation in English You don't even listen when the forecast announces "chance of showers" The more expensive the car, the worse the driver When you get more excited about the canucks making the playoffs than you do about the olympics coming to vancouver Have to take a ferry to get to your capital city You are aware that Vancouver and Vancouver Island are not one in the same You're legally an adult, but you still can only drive with one passenger in the car You can tell the difference between the fresh mountain air and the air in other provinces right when you get out of the airport You know that your province started the "white towel" craze that so many other sports teams have borrowed You consider a week with no rain to be "good weather" You drink the tap water You know the only thing dividing China and India is the Fraser River The only time you can get a tan is if you go to a tanning salon When at any given time about 90% of people you pass on the street are wearing either LuLuLemmon or Mountain Equipment Co-Op clothing Climbing the grouse grind is something you do for fun You HATE Mick McGeough You hate the leafs for no real reason You are SHOCKED to hear someone speaking French Everytime you go out you see at least two people pulled over for speeding/street racing You can't stand when someone from outside Canada asks if your from Toronto You ask Albertans if they really have ski slopes The police don't respond to a crime scene because they are busy trying to find any reason to pull over a "N" license driver You are tired of people wanting to go to Barkerville You know in Greater Vancouver that West Van, the West Side, and the West End are all different places There are few things you hate more then following people from other provences on the highway because they aren't use to all the turning You have to check the sports headlines daily to find out who the new Canucks goalie is. (Thank god for Luongo, we don't have to do this anymore) You chuckle when you say the words "fast ferries" The news has extensive coverage of just how badly people in Vancouver can drive in 3 inches of snow You get a harsher punishment for having an extra passenger with an L license than your premier does for driving drunk You leave the province to see the rest of Canada, you realize that there is nothing better to see You are genuinely confused with people that don't consider "Pirate Packs" to be an integral part of a healthy childhood You assume cab fares will cost a minimum of $25 You're slightly irritated by the inaccuracies of Tony Hawk Underground's representation of Vancouver You think of Kokanee as a discount beer Your license is the hardest to fake of any province You're surprised and pissed to have to pay for the luggage carts when you get to any other airport You know that it's "Science World", not the "Telus World of Science" When you don't like the weather you go inside and wait 15 minutes for it to change You say "I'm from kelowna" and the ontario-ian says "so do you miss ?" even after you have corrected them 5 times You are driving on the highway where the speed in the left lane is slower than the right lane You have been lost in the woods on several occasions, you know you will be again, and you're okay with that You think $1.00/L is cheap for gas You think about hockey or guns n roses when the word 'riot' is brought up If you know what Gore-tex is and why it's important, if all your coats have hoods, or if you've spent more than 90 dollars on a rain jacket Your province's football team are Grey Cup Champs! While celebrating, your province's football team became the only one to ever break the Grey Cup You know what being "beyond Hope" means Forest Fires are almost a tradition - just like Thanksgiving 1994 means more to you than just the year of the OJ simpson case! You return by plane and the first things you say is: "I can BREATHE!" The first time you drive through the prairies you see no mountain, no trees, no ocean -- and promptly have a panic attack You use the parking brake whenever you park because in BC you're always automatically parked on an incline The three main universities are on an island, peninsula and mountain top You laugh when snow is mentioned in Victoria's weather forecast, and laugh harder when someone actually believes it You know that Mt. Washington isn't actually in Washington All the graffiti you find is written in full sentances You've heard about "the big one" and you just couldn't care less You actually pull over to the right and slow down as soon as you faintly hear a siren You could read a decent size novel before you're admitted into the hospital You know how scary it is to drive next to a loaded logging truck You can't stand Albertan drivers. Not to mention getting stuck behind them on the Sea-to-Sky (Mostly Vancouver) You find yourself giving half hour long explanations on what the Skytrain is You can identify all the gulf islands from the ferry terminal names The only thing you like about Quebec is the maple syrup Your capital city doesn't have enough ploughs for a snow storm You can recite the BC Ferries safety announcement by heart You care more when a referee makes a bad call during the canucks games then when the Premier got arrested for drunk driving You know you're in BC when you find a bear in your backyard then walk to the Starbucks a few blocks away while you wait for the bear to leave You know that an "1 1/2 hour ferry" really means 3 hours: time to get to the ferry, wait for the ferry, get on the ferry, eat in the buffet on the ferry, and then wait for the broken down VW to get off the ferry The mountain you grew up skiing on is now too busy with foreigners for you to get a decent amount of runs down the hill You've paid $6 for an full meal of sushi You are surprised when people tell you they don't ski or snowboard You watch the weather report for a good laugh You can pick out the Albertan drivers in disguise as one of us You've managed to convince people in Florida you live in an igloo and have a pet polar bear The reasoning for number 4 is not simply because of how abundant Cannabis is, but because you are too baked to remember You know that the only thing beyond Hope is Hell's Gate
viernes, 3 de abril de 2009
Teoría Termodinámica del Infierno
La siguiente pregunta fue hecha en un examen trimestral de Química en la Universidad de Toronto. La respuesta de uno de los estudiantes fue tan "profunda" que el profesor quiso compartirla con sus colegas, vía Internet, razón por la cual podemos todos disfrutar de ella.
Pregunta: ¿Es el Infierno Exotérmico (desprende calor) o Endotérmico (lo absorbe)? La mayoría de estudiantes escribieron sus comentarios sobre la Ley de Boyle un gas se enfría cuando se expande y se calienta cuando se comprime). Un estudiante, sin embargo, escribió lo siguiente.
En primer lugar, necesitamos saber en qué medida la masa del Infierno varía con el tiempo. Para ello hemos de saber a qué ritmo entran las almas en el Infierno y a qué ritmo salen. Tengo sin embargo entendido que, una vez dentro del Infierno, las almas ya no salen de él. Por lo tanto, no se producen salidas. En cuanto a cuántas almas entran, veamos lo que dicen las diferentes religiones.
La mayoría de ellas declaran que si no perteneces a ellas, irás al Infierno. Dado que hay más de una religión que así se expresa y dado que la gente no pertenece a más de una, podemos concluir que todas las almas van al Infierno. Con las tasas de nacimientos y muertes existentes, podemos deducir que el número de almas en el Infierno crece de forma exponencial.
Veamos ahora cómo varía el volumen del Infierno. Según la Ley de Boyle, para que la temperatura y la presión del Infierno se mantengan estables, el volumen debe expandirse en proporción a la entrada de almas. Hay dos posibilidades:
Si aceptamos lo que me dijo Teresa en mi primer año de carrera "Se congelará el Infierno antes de que me acueste contigo", y teniendo en cuenta que me acosté con ella ayer noche, la posibilidad número 2 es la verdadera. Doy por tanto como cierto que el Infierno es Exotérmico y que ya está congelado.
El corolario de esta teoría es que, dado que el Infierno ya está congelado, ya no acepta más almas y está, por tanto, extinguido...dejando al Cielo como única prueba de la existencia de un ser divino, lo que explica por qué, anoche, Teresa no paraba de gritar: "¡Oh, Dios mío!"
Solo este estudiante sacó calificación sobresaliente.
Pregunta: ¿Es el Infierno Exotérmico (desprende calor) o Endotérmico (lo absorbe)? La mayoría de estudiantes escribieron sus comentarios sobre la Ley de Boyle un gas se enfría cuando se expande y se calienta cuando se comprime). Un estudiante, sin embargo, escribió lo siguiente.
En primer lugar, necesitamos saber en qué medida la masa del Infierno varía con el tiempo. Para ello hemos de saber a qué ritmo entran las almas en el Infierno y a qué ritmo salen. Tengo sin embargo entendido que, una vez dentro del Infierno, las almas ya no salen de él. Por lo tanto, no se producen salidas. En cuanto a cuántas almas entran, veamos lo que dicen las diferentes religiones.
La mayoría de ellas declaran que si no perteneces a ellas, irás al Infierno. Dado que hay más de una religión que así se expresa y dado que la gente no pertenece a más de una, podemos concluir que todas las almas van al Infierno. Con las tasas de nacimientos y muertes existentes, podemos deducir que el número de almas en el Infierno crece de forma exponencial.
Veamos ahora cómo varía el volumen del Infierno. Según la Ley de Boyle, para que la temperatura y la presión del Infierno se mantengan estables, el volumen debe expandirse en proporción a la entrada de almas. Hay dos posibilidades:
- Si el Infierno se expande a una velocidad menor que la de entrada de almas, la temperatura y la presión en el Infierno se incrementarán hasta que éste se desintegre.
- Si el Infierno se expande a una velocidad mayor que la de la entrada de almas, la temperatura y la presión desminuirán hasta que el Infierno se congele
Si aceptamos lo que me dijo Teresa en mi primer año de carrera "Se congelará el Infierno antes de que me acueste contigo", y teniendo en cuenta que me acosté con ella ayer noche, la posibilidad número 2 es la verdadera. Doy por tanto como cierto que el Infierno es Exotérmico y que ya está congelado.
El corolario de esta teoría es que, dado que el Infierno ya está congelado, ya no acepta más almas y está, por tanto, extinguido...dejando al Cielo como única prueba de la existencia de un ser divino, lo que explica por qué, anoche, Teresa no paraba de gritar: "¡Oh, Dios mío!"
Solo este estudiante sacó calificación sobresaliente.
miércoles, 1 de abril de 2009
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala Where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' And that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far Over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and Helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he Was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, Got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked Into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was.
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude..... How much water did you drink?!!'
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala Where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' And that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far Over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and Helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he Was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, Got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked Into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was.
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude..... How much water did you drink?!!'
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