El Político y el Militar

Un hombre vuela en un globo, cuando de repente, se percata de que está perdido, entonces maniobra y desciende lentamente hasta divisar a un militar en medio del campo y le grita:

- ¿Disculpe? ¿Podría Ud.. ayudarme? He quedado en verme a las 2:00 p.m. con un amigo, llevo media hora de retraso y no sé donde me encuentro.

- Claro que sí -le contesta el militar-... Se encuentra Ud. en un globo de aire caliente flotando a unos treinta metros de altura, entre los 40 y 43 grados de latitud norte y entre los 58 y 60 grados de longitud oeste.

- ¿Es Ud. militar, verdad? -pregunta el del globo.

- Sí señor, lo soy... ¿cómo lo adivinó?

- Es simple, porque todo lo que ha dicho es técnicamente correcto, pero prácticamente inútil. Continúo perdido y voy a llegar tarde a mi cita porque no sé que hacer con su información.

- Y Ud. ¿es político? -pregunta el militar-.

- Sí señor. ¿Cómo lo supo?

- Es muy simple. Porque Ud. no sabe ni donde está, ni para dónde va, ha hecho una promesa que no puede cumplir y espera que otro le resuelva el problema De hecho, se halla exactamente en la misma situación en la que estaba antes de encontrarme, salvo que ahora, por alguna extraña razón... ¡la culpa es mía!

Recauchadora

Un viejito de 80 años se levanta y se pone su abrigo.

.. Su mujer le pregunta "¿Adónde vas?".
.. El contesta, "Voy al médico".
.. Y dice ella, "¿Por qué? ¿Estás enfermo?".
.. "No," replica él, "voy a que me recete una de ésas nuevas pastillas de Viagra".
.. La mujer se levanta de su mecedora y se pone también su abrigo.
.. El marido se extraña y le pregunta "Y tú, ¿a dónde vas?".
.. "También voy al médico", contesta ella.
.. "Y por qué?"

Si tú vas a empezar a usar esa vaina toda oxidada otra vez...
¡¡¡ Voy a que me pongan una antitetánica !!

Al Pie del Cañon

Una maestra nueva, trata de aplicar sus cursos de Psicología. Comienza su clase diciendo:

- Todo aquel que crea que es estúpido, que se ponga de pie.

Luego de unos segundos de silencio, Pepito, se pone de pie. La docente le pregunta:

- Jaimito, ¿crees ser estúpido?
- No, señorita..., pero me da pena verla parada solita...

Pet Diaries

Excerpt from a Dog's Diary........

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

Kids are quick.

Teacher: Heather, go to the map and find North America.
Heather: Here it is.
Teacher: Good. Now class, who can tell me who discovered America?
Class: Heather

Teacher: Thomas, how do you spell crocodile?
Thomas: k-r-o-k-o-d-i-a-l
Teacher: No, that's not right.
Thomas: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Teacher: Thomas, how do you always manage to get so dirty?
Thomas: I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: Heather, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Heather: A teacher.

Teacher: Jenna, name one important thing that we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Jenna: Me!

Nuestro Derecho a Morir con Dignidad

Anoche mi papá y yo estábamos sentados en la sala hablando de las muchas cosas de la vida... entre otras... estábamos hablando de la idea de vivir o morir

Le dije: "Papá, nunca me dejes vivir en estado vegetativo, dependiendo de máquinas y líquidos de una botella, si me ves en ese estado, desenchufa los artefactos que me mantienen vivo, ¡prefiero morir!"

Entonces, mi papá se levantó con una cara de admiración... y me desenchufó el televisor, el DVD, la computadora, el celular, El WII, el Ipod , el XBOX y me botó el guarito, el ron y todas las cervezas!!!

... ¡CARAJO! ... ¡¡¡ CASI ME MUERO !!!

Todo lo que siempre necesité saber, lo aprendí de mi 'MAMA'

Todo lo que siempre necesité saber, lo aprendí de mi 'MAMA' :

1. Mi mamá me enseñó a APRECIAR UN TRABAJO BIEN HECHO : 'Si se van a matar, háganlo afuera. Acabo de limpiar!!!'
2. Mi mamá me enseñó RELIGIÓN : 'Mejor rece para que le salga la mancha a la alfombra'
3. Mi mamá me enseño LÓGICA : 'Porque yo lo digo, por eso... y punto'
4. Mi mamá me enseño PREDICCIONES : 'póngase ropa interior limpia y sin rotos por si tiene un accidente'
5. Mi mamá me enseñó IRONÍA : 'Siga llorando por nada y le voy a dar una razón para que llore'
6. Mi mamá me enseñó a ser AHORRATIVO : 'Guarde esas lágrimas para cuando yo me muera'
7. Mi mamá me enseñó ÓSMOSIS : '¡Cierre la boca y coma!'
8. Mi mamá me enseñó CONTORSIONISMO : 'Mire el mugre que tiene en ese cuello'
9. Mi mamá me enseñó FUERZA DE VOLUNTAD : 'Se va a quedar sentado hasta que termine la sopa'
10. Mi mamá me enseñó METEOROLOGÍA : 'Parece que un huracán pasó por su cuarto'
11. Mi mamá me enseñó PARADOJAS : 'Le he dicho un millón de veces que no exagere'
12. Mi mamá me enseñó MODIFICACIONES DE PATRONES DE COMPORTAMIENTO: 'Está igualito a su papá'
13. Mi mamá me enseñó ENVIDIA Y MATEMÁTICAS: 'Hay millones de niños menos afortunados en este mundo que no todos tienen padres tan maravillosos como usted'
14. Mi mamá me enseñó habilidades como VENTRILOQUÍA: 'No me rezongue, cállese y contésteme: ¿Por qué lo hizo?'
15. Mi mamá me enseñó técnicas de ODONTOLOGÍA: 'Me vuelve a contestar así y le estampo los dientes en la pared'

GRACIAS MADRE !!!!!

El "mala men"

El tema en la clase era el miedo, y la profesora empieza a preguntar.....

- Pedrito, ¿de quién tienes más miedo?
- Del 'Coco', profesora
- Pero Pedrito, 'el Coco' no existe, es una leyenda... no debes de tener miedo...

- Luisita, ¿de quién tienes más miedo?
- De los fantasmas, profesora
- Pero Luisita, los fantasmas tampoco existen, son una leyenda, no debes de tener miedo...

- ¿Y tù Juanito? ¿De quién tienes más miedo?
- Del 'Mala Men', profesora (el silencio invadió el salón de clases hasta que la maestra dijo)
- '¿Mala Men?' nunca oí hablar de ése, ¿quién es?
- Yo tampoco sé quién es, profesora, pero me temo que sea el ser más terrible que pueda pisar la tierra, su maldad es implacable y su legado de terror se ha esparcido por varias generaciones, ya que todas las noches mi mamá dice al final de las oraciones...

"No nos dejes caer en la tentación y líbranos del 'Mala Men'"

Difference between men and women

An English professor wrote the words:

• “A woman without her man is nothing”,

On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:

• “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

All the females in the class wrote:

• “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

Manolo y la gorila

Un zoológico español compró una gorila hembra de una especie rara. Tras unas semanas, la gorila se volvió irritable y difícil de manejar. Después de examinarla, el veterinario determinó que estaba en celo, lo cual era un gran problema ya que no había ningún macho de esa especie disponible. Tras pensarlo detenidamente, el administrador del zoológico reparó en Manolo, un empleado encargado de limpiar las jaulas. Manolo tenía reputación de que, por lo bien dotado, podía satisfacer bien a cualquier mujer, y, como no parecía muy listo, tal vez podría convencerlo de que le hiciera el favor a la gorila. Así que le propusieron:

-¿Aceptarías tener relaciones con la gorila por 500 euros?

Manolo dijo que podría interesarle, pero que necesitaba pensarlo un poco. Al día siguiente, Manolo dijo que aceptaba, con tres condiciones:

-Primero, nada de besos. Segundo, no quiero saber nada de hijos.

-¡De acuerdo!-dijo de inmediato el administrador-Pero, ¿cuál es la tercera?

-Bueno... ¡tiene que darme por lo menos otra semana para reunir los 500 euros!

Magic Wand

Fred had been divorced twice after his wives cheated on him, so he decided the only way to get a faithful wife is to marry someone who knew nothing of sex. He moved to the mountains and found himself a simple, innocent girl, and married her.

On their wedding night, he told her about his "magic wand", and how no one else in the entire world had one. Sure enough, she was enraptured with the "magic" feelings it brought her, and she and Fred were very happy.

But Fred needed to make a living, and he finally had to go out of town on a business trip. But his innocent wife knew only he had a "magic wand", so he left feeling safe.

Yet when he got home, he could tell there was something different about his wife, and she was ready to confront him.

"You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand," she said.

"Yes..." he started to answer.

"But I found out that Jerry has a magic wand too!" she said, clearly upset.

"Well yeah," he stammered. "Jerry is my best friend, and I had two magic wands, so I thought I should give him one of them."

With that, she burst in to tears.

"What's wrong," Fred asked, perplexed.

"Well why," she said through her sobs, "did you have to give him the good one?!"

Indian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told,"First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!

How to identify cities in INDIA

Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right.

You are in Kolkata

Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.

That's Mumbai

Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace.The first two get together & beat him up.

That's Delhi

Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai-stall

That's Ahmedabad.

Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in the program.

That's Bangalore

Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in.

That's Chennai.

Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting.

You are definitely in PUNJAB.

Mallu interview

A "Mallu" female (from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY. When the manager saw the Mallu's colorful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "Not This Woman."

Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu. So he told her, "If You could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK."

The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said:

"I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone,I say YELLOW..... BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number.. ... Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, yokeeyy? Thank you."

New Car

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

"We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "This one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?"

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on. "So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

How to catch a Lion

Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.

Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run. Lion tired and surrenders.

George bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Newton 's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

BE SILENT!

Santa Singh gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. He has never been on an airplane anywhere and gets excited and tense. As soon as he boards the plane, a Boeing 747, he started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat and shouting, 'BOEING!BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.

The pilot in the cockpit hears the noise and annoyed by what's goings on, he comes out and shouts, 'BE SILENT!'

There's pin-drop silence every where and everybody looks Santa. He stares at the pilot in silence for a few seconds and then starts shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!OE...'

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished

Take off my skirt

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However: One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. At two-thirty, finally, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him
over to her.

- "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she asked.

- "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
- "Now take off my socks." He did.
- "Now take off my skirt." He did.
- "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
- "Now," she said, "take off my panties." With great trepidation, he slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"

Desi executes the Y2K Project

Dear Sir,

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

As well as:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We'll await your direction.

Very Sincerely
Desi
Y2K Project Leader