How to catch a Lion

Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.

Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run. Lion tired and surrenders.

George bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Newton 's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

BE SILENT!

Santa Singh gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. He has never been on an airplane anywhere and gets excited and tense. As soon as he boards the plane, a Boeing 747, he started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat and shouting, 'BOEING!BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.

The pilot in the cockpit hears the noise and annoyed by what's goings on, he comes out and shouts, 'BE SILENT!'

There's pin-drop silence every where and everybody looks Santa. He stares at the pilot in silence for a few seconds and then starts shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!OE...'

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished

Take off my skirt

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However: One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. At two-thirty, finally, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him
over to her.

- "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she asked.

- "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
- "Now take off my socks." He did.
- "Now take off my skirt." He did.
- "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
- "Now," she said, "take off my panties." With great trepidation, he slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"

Desi executes the Y2K Project

Dear Sir,

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

As well as:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We'll await your direction.

Very Sincerely
Desi
Y2K Project Leader

Two fallen angels

Two blonde prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top oftheir car which said:

• Two Prostitutes -- $50.00

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd eitherhave to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

• Jesus Saves

One of the blondes asks the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" - "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign downand drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when henoticed the same two blonde ladies driving around with a large sign ontheir car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when henoticed the new sign which now read:

• Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00

Bill Gates looking for european chairman

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.

5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kunju, a mallu guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not now JAVA program to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Kunju says to himself, "I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try"

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. Again, 2000 people leave the room. Kunju says to himself "I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?" So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Kunju says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?" So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Kunju says to himself, "I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?" So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.

Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language."

Calmly, Kunju turns to the other candidate and says "Ninakku Sukham alle" (Aren't u Sukham... in malayalam)

The other candidate answers "Nee Poda Pulle" (Just go away...in malayalam again)

Esos Deditos

Mientras hacía la maleta para un viaje de trabajo, mi hijo de tres años estaba jugando en mi cama y se lo estaba pasando bomba. En cierto momento me dijo:

- Papi, mira esto - y puso dos de sus deditos frente a mis ojos.

Aunque tenía prisa no podía dejar pasar la ocasión de jugar con mi hijo, así que cogí su mano y metí los dos deditos de su mano en mi boca.

- ¡¡¡ ME VOY A COMER ESTOS DEDITOS !!! GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR - le dije simulando comérmelos, antes de salir del cuarto de nuevo.

Cuando regresé, mi hijo estaba quieto en la cama mirando sus deditos desde varios ángulos y con una expresión de absoluta desolación en su cara, por lo que le pregunté:

- ¿Qué pasa mi amor?

Y él me contestó:

- ¿¿¿ Dónde está mi MOCOooo ???

You know you're from British Columbia when....

You know you're from BC when...

1. You know the provincial flower: the dogwood
2. You can taste the difference between Tim Hortons, Second Cup, and Seattle's Best.
3. Lower Mainland only: The last time there was snow, you were so confused you tried to snort it.
4. You can't tell, is marijuana still illegal?
5. You hate the Calgary Flames with a passion.
6. You point out vancouver landmarks in nearly every movie and TV show
7. You don't understand why Manitoba and Saskatchewan are considered western Canada
8. While driving on your morning commute, you switch between heat and air conditioning multiple times
9. You consider 2 degrees freezing cold
10. You know that there is actually a town called Dawson Creek
11. You know how to distinguish between the different types of asian food
12. You know how to pronounce Squamish, Osoyoos, Ucluelet, Esquimalt, Sooke & Nanaimo.
13. You actually care about the CFL.
14. You still believe the Canucks have a shot at winning the stanley cup.
15. You can point out at least two ski resorts, even if the city is coated in fog.
16. A nice day means when you can see the mountains
17. You go bankrupt from paying your rent
18. You have come to accept that there are only two seasons: cold and rainy, and warm and dry
19. You don't understand what's so great about Toronto
20. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a 100% water proof raincoat
21. You know more people with boats than air conditioners
22. You have trouble figuring out why french is an official language or why we have to learn it in school
23. You swear that you're in China or Japan
24. You don't find it wierd that every time you go downtown, some crazy guy is talking to himself
25. Your premier was convicted of drunk driving
26. You know what venti and a macchiato are
27. You ski and play golf in the same day
28. You are aware that Surrey, New West, Burnaby, Delta, Port Moody, North Van, West Van, White Rock, Abbostford, Langley and Richmond are NOT part of the City of Vancouver
29. You're confused when people from anywhere else say that the hill you just walked up is a mountain
30. You think that Atlantic Salmon doesn't even deserve to be called salmon when compared to Pacific Salmon
31. You've had a California roll for lunch
32. You take the bus and are shocked to hear two people carrying on a conversation in English
33. You don't even listen when the forecast announces "chance of showers"
34. The more expensive the car, the worse the driver
35. When you get more excited about the canucks making the playoffs than you do about the olympics coming to vancouver
36. Have to take a ferry to get to your capital city
37. You are aware that Vancouver and Vancouver Island are not one in the same
38. You're legally an adult, but you still can only drive with one passenger in the car
39. You can tell the difference between the fresh mountain air and the air in other provinces right when you get out of the airport
40. You know that your province started the "white towel" craze that so many other sports teams have borrowed
41. You consider a week with no rain to be "good weather"
42. You drink the tap water
43. You know the only thing dividing China and India is the Fraser River
44. The only time you can get a tan is if you go to a tanning salon
45. When at any given time about 90% of people you pass on the street are wearing either LuLuLemmon or Mountain Equipment Co-Op clothing
46. Climbing the grouse grind is something you do for fun
47. You HATE Mick McGeough
48. You hate the leafs for no real reason
49. You are SHOCKED to hear someone speaking French
50. Everytime you go out you see at least two people pulled over for speeding/street racing
51. You can't stand when someone from outside Canada asks if your from Toronto
52. You ask Albertans if they really have ski slopes
53. The police don't respond to a crime scene because they are busy trying to find any reason to pull over a "N" license driver
54. You are tired of people wanting to go to Barkerville
55. You know in Greater Vancouver that West Van, the West Side, and the West End are all different places
56. There are few things you hate more then following people from other provences on the highway because they aren't use to all the turning
57. You have to check the sports headlines daily to find out who the new Canucks goalie is. (Thank god for Luongo, we don't have to do this anymore)
58. You chuckle when you say the words "fast ferries"
59. The news has extensive coverage of just how badly people in Vancouver can drive in 3 inches of snow
60. You get a harsher punishment for having an extra passenger with an L license than your premier does for driving drunk
61. You leave the province to see the rest of Canada, you realize that there is nothing better to see
62. You are genuinely confused with people that don't consider "Pirate Packs" to be an integral part of a healthy childhood
63. You assume cab fares will cost a minimum of $25
64. You're slightly irritated by the inaccuracies of Tony Hawk Underground's representation of Vancouver
65. You think of Kokanee as a discount beer
66. Your license is the hardest to fake of any province
67. You're surprised and pissed to have to pay for the luggage carts when you get to any other airport
68. You know that it's "Science World", not the "Telus World of Science"
69. When you don't like the weather you go inside and wait 15 minutes for it to change
70. You say "I'm from kelowna" and the ontario-ian says "so do you miss?" even after you have corrected them 5 times
71. You are driving on the highway where the speed in the left lane is slower than the right lane
72. You have been lost in the woods on several occasions, you know you will be again, and you're okay with that
73. You think $1.00/L is cheap for gas
74. You think about hockey or guns n roses when the word 'riot' is brought up
75. If you know what Gore-tex is and why it's important, if all your coats have hoods, or if you've spent more than 90 dollars on a rain jacket
76. Your province's football team are Grey Cup Champs!
77. While celebrating, your province's football team became the only one to ever break the Grey Cup
78. You know what being "beyond Hope" means
79. Forest Fires are almost a tradition - just like Thanksgiving
80. 1994 means more to you than just the year of the OJ simpson case!
81. You return by plane and the first things you say is: "I can BREATHE!"
82. The first time you drive through the prairies you see no mountain, no trees, no ocean -- and promptly have a panic attack
83. You use the parking brake whenever you park because in BC you're always automatically parked on an incline
84. The three main universities are on an island, peninsula and mountain top
85. You laugh when snow is mentioned in Victoria's weather forecast, and laugh harder when someone actually believes it
86. You know that Mt. Washington isn't actually in Washington
87. All the graffiti you find is written in full sentances
88. You've heard about "the big one" and you just couldn't care less
89. You actually pull over to the right and slow down as soon as you faintly hear a siren
90. You could read a decent size novel before you're admitted into the hospital
91. You know how scary it is to drive next to a loaded logging truck
92. You can't stand Albertan drivers. Not to mention getting stuck behind them on the Sea-to-Sky
93. (Mostly Vancouver) You find yourself giving half hour long explanations on what the Skytrain is
94. You can identify all the gulf islands from the ferry terminal names
95. The only thing you like about Quebec is the maple syrup
96. Your capital city doesn't have enough ploughs for a snow storm
97. You can recite the BC Ferries safety announcement by heart
98. You care more when a referee makes a bad call during the canucks games then when the Premier got arrested for drunk driving
99. You know you're in BC when you find a bear in your backyard then walk to the Starbucks a few blocks away while you wait for the bear to leave
100. You know that an "1 1/2 hour ferry" really means 3 hours: time to get to the ferry, wait for the ferry, get on the ferry, eat in the buffet on the ferry, and then wait for the broken down VW to get off the ferry
101. The mountain you grew up skiing on is now too busy with foreigners for you to get a decent amount of runs down the hill
102. You've paid $6 for an full meal of sushi
103. You are surprised when people tell you they don't ski or snowboard
104. You watch the weather report for a good laugh
105. You can pick out the Albertan drivers in disguise as one of us
106. You've managed to convince people in Florida you live in an igloo and have a pet polar bear
107. The reasoning for number 4 is not simply because of how abundant Cannabis is, but because you are too baked to remember
108. You know that the only thing beyond Hope is Hell's Gate

Teoría Termodinámica del Infierno

La siguiente pregunta fue hecha en un examen trimestral de Química en la Universidad de Toronto. La respuesta de uno de los estudiantes fue tan "profunda" que el profesor quiso compartirla con sus colegas, vía Internet, razón por la cual podemos todos disfrutar de ella.

Pregunta: ¿Es el Infierno Exotérmico (desprende calor) o Endotérmico (lo absorbe)? La mayoría de estudiantes escribieron sus comentarios sobre la Ley de Boyle un gas se enfría cuando se expande y se calienta cuando se comprime). Un estudiante, sin embargo, escribió lo siguiente.

En primer lugar, necesitamos saber en qué medida la masa del Infierno varía con el tiempo. Para ello hemos de saber a qué ritmo entran las almas en el Infierno y a qué ritmo salen. Tengo sin embargo entendido que, una vez dentro del Infierno, las almas ya no salen de él. Por lo tanto, no se producen salidas. En cuanto a cuántas almas entran, veamos lo que dicen las diferentes religiones.

La mayoría de ellas declaran que si no perteneces a ellas, irás al Infierno. Dado que hay más de una religión que así se expresa y dado que la gente no pertenece a más de una, podemos concluir que todas las almas van al Infierno. Con las tasas de nacimientos y muertes existentes, podemos deducir que el número de almas en el Infierno crece de forma exponencial.

Veamos ahora cómo varía el volumen del Infierno. Según la Ley de Boyle, para que la temperatura y la presión del Infierno se mantengan estables, el volumen debe expandirse en proporción a la entrada de almas. Hay dos posibilidades:

1. Si el Infierno se expande a una velocidad menor que la de entrada de almas, la temperatura y la presión en el Infierno se incrementarán hasta que éste se desintegre.
2. Si el Infierno se expande a una velocidad mayor que la de la entrada de almas, la temperatura y la presión desminuirán hasta que el Infierno se congele 

 ¿Qué posibilidad es la verdadera?

Si aceptamos lo que me dijo Teresa en mi primer año de carrera "Se congelará el Infierno antes de que me acueste contigo", y teniendo en cuenta que me acosté con ella ayer noche, la posibilidad número 2 es la verdadera. Doy por tanto como cierto que el Infierno es Exotérmico y que ya está congelado.

El corolario de esta teoría es que, dado que el Infierno ya está congelado, ya no acepta más almas y está, por tanto, extinguido...dejando al Cielo como única prueba de la existencia de un ser divino, lo que explica por qué, anoche, Teresa no paraba de gritar: "¡Oh, Dios mío!"

Solo este estudiante sacó calificación sobresaliente.

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala Where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' And that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far Over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and Helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he Was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, Got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked Into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was.

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude..... How much water did you drink?!!'

Cómo mentir en grupo

Cuatro amigos de la Universidad se fueron a parrandear el fin de
semana antes de los exámenes finales a un país vecino.

¡La pasaron súper bien! Pero después de tanta fiesta durmieron todo
el domingo y no regresaron a su país hasta el lunes por la mañana.

En lugar de entrar al examen final, decidieron que al terminar el
examen hablarían con el profesor y le explicarían la razón por la
que habían perdido el examen.

Le explicaron que se habían ido de viaje el fin de semana y que
planeaban estar de regreso y estudiar, pero desafortunadamente, "se
les poncho" una llanta cuando venían de regreso, no tenían las
herramientas y nadie les había querido ayudar.

Como resultado de la aventura, perdieron el final. El profesor lo
pensó y acordó hacerles el final al día siguiente. Los cuatro amigos
estaban felices. Estudiaron toda la noche y llegaron al día
siguiente a hacer el examen.

El profesor los puso en salones separados y les repartió a cada uno
el test para que comenzaran. Vieron el primer problema, valía 5
puntos y era muy fácil sobre la historia del mercadeo.
"¡Excelente!", pensó cada uno en su salón separado.

"Esto va a estar muy fácil".

Cada uno termino el problema y voltearon la página. En la segunda
página estaba escrito:

• ¿¿¿ CUÁL LLANTA ???

Susuki, un niño japonés...

Susuki, un niño japonés, llega a USA.

Es el primer día de clases y la maestra presenta a Susuki, hijo de un empresario japonés, a los chicos de sexto grado.

La maestra les dice: 'Empecemos repasando un poco de historia americana. Quien dijo '¡Denme la libertad o denme la muerte!'

La clase se queda callada, excepto por Susuki: 'Lo dijo Patrick Henry, 1775'.

'¡Muy Bien! Quien dijo 'El gobierno del pueblo, para el pueblo no debe desaparecer de la faz de la tierra'. De nuevo, ninguna respuesta de la clase, salvo Susuki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

La maestra, asombrada, les dice: 'Chicos, debería darles vergüenza. Susuki, que es nuevo en nuestro país, y sabe más de nuestra historia que ustedes'.

La maestra alcanza a escuchar un susurro: '¡a la mierda con los malditos japoneses!'.

¿Quién dijo eso? Pregunta la maestra. Nuevamente Susuki levanta su mano y dice: 'General McArthur, 1942 y Lee Iacocca, 1982'.

La clase queda muda y uno de los chicos alcanza a decir: 'Voy a vomitar'.

La maestra trata de ver quien fue el irrespetuoso: '¿Ya está bien, quien dijo eso?'. Y Susuki dice: 'George Bush padre, al Primer Ministro japonés, 1991'.

Uno de los alumnos, furioso, le grita al japonés desde el fondo: '¡Chupáme esta!'. Susuki, casi saltando en su silla, le dice a la maestra: 'Bill Clinton a Monica Lewinsky. 1997'

La clase entra en un estado de histeria. La maestra se desmaya, cunde el caos. Mientras los chicos se arremolinan alrededor de la desvanecida maestra, uno de ellos exclama: 'Mierda, y ahora ¿cómo salimos de esta?..'.y Susuki responde: 'George W. Bush, inmediatamente después de la invasión de Irak, 2003'.

Por último un niño encabronado por tanta participación del japonés grita. '¿Por que no te callas?' Y Susuki responde: 'Juan Carlos, rey de España a Hugo Chávez , en Santiago de Chile, 10 de noviembre de 2007'.

Two-Condom Combinatorial Problem

Problem:

• Two (heterosexual) couples decide to have group sex with each other in all possible male-female combinations.  They have only two condoms, and everyone is scared of catching some venereal disease.  How can they manage four couplings with only two condoms?
  

Solution:

1. The first man puts on two condoms, one over the other, and then sleeps with the first woman. Only the outer surface of the outer condom and the inner surface of the inner one has had contact with any potentially infectious surface.
2. The man removes the outer condom and sleeps with the second woman.
3. The second mand then dons the removed outer condom whose inner surface has until now had no contact with anyone's skin, and sleeps with the first woman, whose only contact has thus far been with the outside of the same condom.
4. Finally, the second man dons the second condom over the one he is already wearing, and sleeps with the second woman, who again only experiences a condom she has already touched.

¿Cómo se entretiene a un gallego?

¿Cómo se entretiene a un gallego?
- Se le da una bolsa de M&M's y se le dice que los ordene alfabéticamente.

Mexicanos

Un día una florista fue a cortarse el cabello con un estilista en New York. Cuando quiso pagarle, el estilista le dijo que no podía aceptar el dinero porque estaba haciendo trabajo comunitario. Al día siguiente, el estilista se encontró con una tarjeta de agradecimiento de parte de la florista, y una docena de rosas en la puerta.
Después fue un policía, y de igual manera, el estilista no le permitió que le pagara porque se encontraba haciendo trabajo comunitario. Al siguiente día, el estilista se encontró con una tarjeta de agradecimiento y una docena de donas en la puerta.
Después fue un cocinero mexicano, y de igual manera no dejó el estilista que el mexicano pagara su cuenta.
Adivina ¿¿¿qué se encontró el estilista al siguiente día en su puerta...???
¡¡ Una docena de mexicanos esperando su corte de cabello gratis !!

En una convención de sacerdotes se encontraba un cubano, un americano y un mexicano.  Se les aproxima una periodista y le pregunta al cubano:
- Padre, ¿usted podría explicarnos que es lo que hacen con el dinero de los fieles?
- Claro que si chica, mira es muy fácil, pintamos una línea en el piso y aventamos el dinero al cielo, lo que caiga adelante de la línea es para Dios y lo que caiga detrás de la línea es para nosotros.
- Muy bien, y ustedes los gringos, ¿qué hacen con el dinero?
- Nosotros marcar un círculo en el piso y lo que caer dentro del círculo ser para Dios y lo que caer afuera, ser para nosotros.
- Finalmente ustedes los mexicanos, ¿qué hacen con el dinero de los fieles?
- Nosotros somos más justos, aventamos el dinero al cielo y lo que alcance a agarrar Dios es para él y lo demás es para nosotros.

Estan dos mexicanos tumbados en el campo y dice uno:
- Oye mano ¿tengo la cremallera bajada?
- No manito.
- Vaya pues ya haré pis otro dia.

Piropos

• Del cielo bajo un ángel para pintar tu figura pero no encontró color para tanta hermosura.
• ¡Si yo fuera mar y tu roca, subiría la marea para besar tu boca!
• Quisiera ser mosquito para entrar en tu mosquitero y decirte bien bajito lo mucho que te quiero.
• Quisiera ser lagrima para nacer en en tus ojos, vivir en tu mejilla y morir en tus labios.
• Lo tuyo es canimar cariño, lo demás es ir rompiendo baldosas.
• Si como caminas cocinas, me como hasta la raspita.
• Quisiera ser pensamiento para estar dentro de ti, para saber que piensas cuando estoy lejos de ti.
• Preciosa! Quisiera ser tu jabon para restregarme en tu cuerpo.
• No tengo alas para llevarte al cielo, pero si suficientes palabras para decirte te quiero.
• No sé que está sucediendo en el Cielo, que los angeles andan en la Tierra, y ese ángel eres tu!
• Una palabra se olvida, una lagrima se va, un beso se borra, pero tu recuerdo jamás.
• Tanta carne y yo sin muelas.
• Mamita! Te vas por la sombrita, porque en el Sol se derriten los bombones!
• Si fueras religión, que diera por ser el apostol de tu amor.
• Linda, ¿mirastes al cielo?... porque así le darás una razón al Sol antes de salir.
• Tu cara es la Luna y tus ojos las estrellas, por eso te quiero, eres la persona mas bella.
• Si tuviera que regalarte algo, te regalaría un espejo, porque despues de vos lo mas lindo es tu reflejo.
• Eres el único rayo de sol que ilumina las oscuras calles de mi corazón.
• Desde que te vi salir, le dije a mi corazón, qué bonita piedreciat para darme un tropezón.
• Al mar tiré un alfiler, tan solo cuando lo encuentre te dejaré de querer.
• La rosa en el agua dura cuatro dias, pero mi amor por vos va a durar toda la vida.
• Quisiera brincar como un trampolin desde tus pestañas para perderme en el mar de tus ojos.
• Tu cuerpo me inspira una emergencia que ni los bomberos pueden solucionar.
• ¡Narices de requesón, cachetes de mantequilla, hoy te mando mi corazón envuelto en una tortilla!
• Tu mamá deba de ser repostera... porque un bombón como vos no lo hace cualquiera.
• Las maldiciones son como las procesiones; por donde salieron vuelven a entrar.
• Pedirle a mi cabeza que deje de pensar en ti es casi como pedirle a mi corazon que deje de latir.
• Como quisiera ser tu alergía, asi te acordarías de mi cada vez que te agarra (en realidad siempre).
• Los angelitos estan celosos porque ahora sueño contigo.
• Si amarte fuera pecado, no tendría perdón de Dios.
• Una noche hubo una lluvia de estrellas, pero tú eres para mis ojos mucho más bonita que todas ellas.

Cuban Holidays

OYEME CHICO:

Elmiércoles antes de Thanksgiving, saliendo del Supermercado Sedanos, me dice la cajera cubana al entregarme el recibo de mi compra 'adiós señora' y 'japi sanguibin' y me dejó pensando como se dicen y escriben "en cubano" los nombres de los holidays que se celebran aquí.

Y se me ocurrió hacer una pequeña lista de acuerdo a los meses del año:

Primero tenemos 'balentain', día de los enamorados y de las florerías y de salir a bailar con los novios y los maridos que ese día se portan mejor que nunca y reparan por toda la mierda que hicieron el resto del año.

Después viene 'ister', domingo de resurrección, de ir a misa por única vez en el año y fin de hacer penitencia como ofrecerle a Dios no comer quimbombo en toda la cuaresma o no decir mas de un coño al dia.

El próximo es el 'forzofllulai', dia de la independencia, de ir a la playa y de llevar a los niños a ver los fuegos artificiales y de darles una lección de american 'jistori'.

Luego viene 'jalouin', día en que los niños se ponen disfraces de papel o de plástico que solo duran las dos o tres horas del 'tricotri' antes de ripiarse en mil pedazos, y van de casa en casa recogiendo caramelos que no pueden comer porque pudieran estar envenenados o haber cuchillas de afeitar puestas por sociopatas perversos dentro de los Hershey bars.

La fiesta siguiente es 'sanguibin' a donde viene toda la familia, hasta Cachita y Joaquin, los tíos de 'niullersi' que nadie soporta porque nada mas que hablan de toda la plata que ganaron este ultimo año en su negocio de venduta de ropa fina, a comerse el 'terqui' estilo cubano con arroz, frijoles y yuca y un pudin de pan o flan de postre.

Después 'crismas', día de asar lechón en caja china en el patio desde el amanecer hasta que este listo a las 8 de la noche 'pa'ques té blandito que se desbarate', tarea de los hombres de la familia mientras que las mujeres preparan los acompañantes, que serán los mismos que los del "terqui", incluyendo el postre, y los niños corretean por toda la casa acabando con la paciencia de las mamas, abuelas y tias que los mandan pa' fuera en donde se dedican a tirarle piedras a la caja china pa' tumbarla con lechón y todo y asi joderle el dia a los papas, tios y abuelos.

Y por ultimo 'niulliar', fiesta a todo meter de fin de año en donde las mujeres se encasquetan sus mas finos ajuares comprados en Berta y Pepe, "ño que Barato", o en la tienda de ropa fina y exquisitisima de Cheo y Mamita en la calle ocho, y sacan a pasear toda la "gangarrea" que guardan en la gaveta de arriba de la comoda y que compraron en el pulguero de Flagler, y comen mas lechon y mas arroz con frijoles y mas yuca y mas flan y engordan 10 libras más.

Cuando los cubanos de aquí les cuentan a sus familiares en Cuba sobre estas fiestas, ¿lo escribiran asi?, ¿será que el pueblo cubano tiene un spelling particular y propio para los holidays gringos?

¿Hablaran de los "forzofllulai faieruerks"? ¿Del "crismas chopin"? ¿Del "sanguibin terqui"? ¿Cómo le dirán a nuestros reyes magos, los "zreewaismen"? ¿Y a nuestro dia del trabajo, "leibordei"?.....

No en balde le ponen de nombre a los hijos LIuesmeil, Uanuei, Yusimi, Aisiyu y Belsauz.....

Qué idioma tan pintoresco hemos inventado en este exilio de Miami, la verdad es que no hay nada comoel sabor cubano, hasta el ingles ya sabe a arroz con frijoles y la yuca y tiene ritmo de guaganco.

Bueno, las dejo con el pensamiento cubano del día: Ai lov Mayami, ai lov Jayalia, ai lov la saguesera an ai lov to spic inglis, espechali uiz mai kuban frends and neibors.

Governmentium

Heaviest Element Known to Science: Governmentium

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-lif e of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

A los 95 años de edad...

A los 95 años de edad, don Juan se casó con Ana, de 25 años

Debido a que su marido es tan viejo, Ana decide que después de su boda, ella y don Juan deben tener dormitorios separados

Después de las festividades de la boda, mientras Ana se prepara para la cama escucha golpes en la puerta y al abrir está don Juan, quien a sus 95 años está listo para la acción.

Concluído el acto Don Juan vuelve a su dormitorio.

Después de algunos minutos, Ana oye otros golpes en la puerta del dormitorio y, sorpresa, ¡ es don Juan !

Otra vez listo para la segunda vuelta. Sorprendida, Ana acepta

Finalmente, don Juan besa a la ya su esposa, le da un cariñoso buenas noches y se va

Mas tarde, don Juan está otra vez tocando la puerta, y tan fresco como un muchacho de 25 años, listo una vez más, lo que sorprende a su esposa, que le dice:

- Me impresiona que a tu edad puedas repetir esto tan frecuentemente. He estado con hombres con un tercio de tu edad incapaces de seguirte el tren. Eres en verdad un gran amante, Juan

Y don Juan, desconcertado, le pregunta a Ana:

- Cómo... ¿¿ ya estuve aquí ??

Moraleja:

¡¡¡ El Alzheimer tiene sus ventajas !!!